in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
