His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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