I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
