I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
