Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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