This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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