I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
