I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
