I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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