So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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