i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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