everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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