Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
