Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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