I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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