we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
