Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize