Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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