apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
