And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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