i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
