We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just want nice things and good sex
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
