Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
