Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
