I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My dick has a subreddit
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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