I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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