If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
