Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
