There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
