Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
