You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
