wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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