she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
