May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
