are you still at the devil's house?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
