i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
