I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
