You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
