My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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