I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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