sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
