The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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