Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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