16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
