I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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