this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
