So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
