my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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