Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
