Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
