My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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