I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
