Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's blow job season.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
