Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
