I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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