my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize